Saturday, 21 September 2013

Light into Darkness

It has been a year since I wrote my previous post as I was being smothered by the dark cloud.

That dark cloud dissipated for a little while and for about three months I lived in the glory of sunshine.  It warmed my soul and made my heart sing and for once in a long, long time, I felt human.
I was a wife again. A friend. A daughter and more importantly, a mommy. I was able to divulge in my passion for storytelling and glory in life.

I believed that the dark cloud would be gone forever, that the roller coaster ride I was on was finally stopped.

Not even close.
It was merely on pause.
In a series of personal tragedies that soon overwhelmed me, the dark cloud soon was smothering me and the ride was sending me on so many ups and downs that I was left screaming for a Gravol.
In the midst of this an old friend came calling to help me cope with the darkness of my depression.
This friend did not want to help me find a light, he wanted to hold my hand and plunge me further, whispering in my ear... "Just one slice, the blood will release your pain." I remember the first time I held that sharp silver fiend and held it to my wrist and pressed it to my vein. It took a long time for me to put that knife back into its home. Now, somehow, that silver has found its way back into my hand. I struggle everyday not to slide it across my skin, sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail.

My favorite metaphor for how I feel goes something like this. I am standing in a room full of people, screaming at the top of my lungs and no one hears me. That pretty much sums it up on how I feel daily.
I am screaming, but they are silent. I need to cry, but I am forced to slap on a happy face and joke to mask the ugliness of my pain, my darkness.

I thought I was alone in this journey until, by chance, or by God's will a kind gentlemen that I never knew held out his hand to me and invited me to join his little support group. A group he formed for fellow authors. The Author Social Media Support Group or ASMSG has been a life-saver.
I have found that through this past year, not only does this group support each other with the craft of storytelling, by giving advice, helping promote each other's work, but they have been a invaluable shoulder to cry and lean on for all aspects of person's life.
They have helped me through many storms and I will never be able to repay them.

Just like I never be able to thank Grey Hoover for the invitation that has become invaluable to me.

They are not just my colleagues, but my family. The only contact I have to the outside world right now.

Yes, I am still plunged in darkness, but I will come out someday knowing that there is a big bright light waiting for me.  

1 comment:

  1. Tina,
    I can't pretend I know what it feels like to hold a silver friend to my wrist and wish it would move - I don't. I do know what personal loss and tragedy feel like, and yours sounds like the top-shelf variety. For that, I'm sorry.
    Life seems to have two currents. Once current is the one that rushes us downstream, flowing past troubles and allowing us to float on the raft of content. The other is upstream, where we battle daily to keep our head and soul afloat.
    At the risk of sounding dramatic, sometimes you have to just get mad. I don't mean the crying, sobbing, wringing of hands mad. I mean the PISSED mad. The teeth grinding, Oh-no-you-freaking-well-don't mad that raises you up over your troubles and propels you right through whatever stands against you. This depression - this dark cloud - wants to rob you of the most precious of gifts. Don't let it - turn around and flip it the finger, tell it "F*** you" and then give it a devilish grin. You have life - you have love - you have family. And no grimy, ragged-ass, soppy looking cloud can kick Tina Traverse's ass...EVER!

    Now, go kick it in the teeth :)