Darkness and lIght day 2

Today is a day I feel the darkness creeping back in. For the first time in weeks the flash of steel enters my mind and I am struggling not to take it out of the block. So far I have not done so, but it keeps screaming my name.
i am typing this as an effort to push the all too dangerous thought from my mind and later I will take a nice  walk to soothe me.
Nothing in particular has brought this on, only to say that living in a basement apartment with a screaming two year old and my 10 year old having a meltdown(common for his condition but difficult nonetheless)
I want to share today, want to tell you all more about what is going on inside my head but I do not know myself yet, there is just too much going on.
Today is the darkness
Hopefully tomorrow will be the light.

Darkness and Light Day one;

Sometimes I wish that vampires were real.

I sit and watch as yet another vampire bites a helpless human draining he or she of their blood. I am not appalled by the horror of what I am seeing, instead I am envious. I wish I could have a being come and drain me, drain me of my pain, my desperation. The bliss that must be felt as the blood slowly leaves he body, bringing the end of everything. I wonder how does it feel for Paul and Ian when they do this to their unexpected victim even though they are only playing the part?

If Damon and Stefan were real, I would gladly bare my neck thus so I could no longer feel the pain, the desperation anymore. But Alas, vampire's are not real So, once again I slowly take the shiny stainless steel from it's home, bring it up to the light and I am temporarily memorized by it's sheen, its brilliance.

Then I bring the blade down across my arm and begin to press down every so slowly all over my arm. I do not want to bleed just press down hard enough so I can feel the stress, the pain and the desperation go away. Relief is finally realized, i am calm and peaceful. I put my friend away until the next time.

Still, I wish there were real vampires.

This is what I felt not all that long ago. 

Though the names mentioned in this particular journal entry do feature characters from a very popular tv drama, the feelings that I felt while writing it and the message it contains were very, very real.

I suffer from depression which is a side effect of another silent disease, Lupus. 

This is not the first time I have experienced depression, the first time was 10 years ago.

Though this time a decade ago was very dark, frustrating, confusing and lonely time in my life, it did not scare me in the way this time around did.

That is because ten years ago, I never would have dreamed of bringing a knife to my wrist let alone using it.

Now, thankfully, I recognized just dangerous and desperate I was becoming before it was too late and I went too far. It took a long time and a lot of help to stop doing the physical act and for that I am so grateful.

It is a slow process, and sometimes when I get really really stressed and my depression goes into what I call a downswing...the act flashes through my mind, but then quickly goes away.

I am still suffering, but I am getting better and taking it day by day.

If anyone is reading this, I thank you, and I am honoured that you took the time to read the first time blog of a simple, plain woman who wishes to share her experience.

I believe that mental illness should be brought out of shadows and if you share the same point of view and suffer from any type of problem or love someone who does...please feel free to share. But, I want to let you know that my blog is open to all who want to share.

Take care and see you again next time.

Tina