Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Light in the darkness....whenever

I can not hear my own thoughts today, I have many things screaming in my ear.
First, that extra large cafe mocha from tim's is calling my name. Two, the mini cheesecakes I scarfed down last night are haunting me. Third the bottle of Lamb's in the cupboard is just begging to be drank.
Four, for the first time in a long time, the shiny reflection of my sharp little friend wishes to visit the inside of my arm.
I am fighting all of them, struggling to keep them silent, but it is getting harder and I am very tired.
It is like Stefan Salvatore fighting his true nature when he craves human blood....
Oh God, there I go again. I have been become so immersed in the Vampire Diaries between the books, tv show and my own fan fiction expanding 9 stories in various stages, crowding my mind.
I know most people celebrate creativity, and I love my creativity, normally. However, for whatever reason my writing gift has morphed into some kind of monster devourer eating up my waking thoughts, and sometimes my sleeping thoughts.
I often came up with 2 to 3 stories at the one time, writing each one individually, never starting a new one until the prior one is finished.
Now, I am trying to balance out 9!
My passion is a two faced beast.
On the one side, my passion calms my nerves, relieves my stress, and staves of my cravings for things that are not healthy for me.
On the other side, my passion devours me, and is slowly driving me insane.
Fantasy is lovely, but not when it consumes your life.
I take care of my family, my husband and my two young sons everyday, as normally as I am expected to be, pretending to be normal, pretending to completely in this world when I am really in, and all I wish to be in is in Mystic Falls, as my character Desiree Fitzpatrick, the most powerful being on earth, with Stefan and Damon Salvatore.
I just finished the last Stefan Diaries book and I have yet to pull myself out of his world.
Someone give me a hand?
I am so desperate.

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Darkness and light....Day uh, I forget

I am so sorry it has been so long since my last posting...hey is there any body out there? HELLO! Nothing? Okay, well, moving on then.
I could not write as I fell into a deep dark abyss and I have just barely climbed out.
My shiny silver friend came to visit me again and this time around the calm only lasted for a short brief moment.
I am however, still screaming, yelling into the night afloat in the middle of the barren ocean with no one to  listen.
For one week anxiety attacks overwhelmed me, washing over me in tidal waves that threatened to drown me.
Another week I spent on a roller coaster ride so violent that I got sick.
This is where I remain.
I have been seeing a new therapist and although I only have one session with her with many more to come I am hopeful.

I just hopes this gets better soon.